Getting started is easy! Many aspects of secret society life and architecture migrate naturally to the sperm bank industry: The all-important screening process, the secret entranceways and private chambers, the special sense of masculine comraderie and destiny. Members-only occult rituals may be sexualized with impunity, to exploit their donation value. Meanwhile, Secret Seed will take care of all the technical details, from constructing a small, state-of-the-art cryogenics lab in your headquarters building or "tomb," to administering the business and scientific sides of the operation. College-age men are in the biological prime of their life as potential sperm donors, so don't waste this opportunity-- it's a moral imperative upon which the fate of humanity may rest! And who knows what the brave new future of genetic/eugenic commerce will bring? Perhaps our species will be guided by powerful, multinational gene banks, and the fact that they started out as college secret societies will simply be a bit of interesting historical trivia.

Klenz-Worx (idea #141)
If you're a needle drug user who's on the road, you may know how to clean your rig perfectly well, but still lack access to bleach, distilled water, and sanitary containers. What are you supposed to do, carry a supply of cups and bottles around everywhere? Klenz-Worx has a better way for you to treat yourself right. The one-use hypodermic sanitizing system, available at willing retailers nationwide, gives you the fresh bleach and water you need in a conveniently portable, foil-sealed plastic container-- and at just 99 cents, it doesn't cost an arm and a leg! The compact kit resembles one of those single-serving breakfast cereal packs, but with multiple mini compartments. Just poke your spike through the foil on each of the five clearly-numbered spots, then draw, shake, and squirt out in sequence, and you're ready to go. Compartment two contains the bleach, while the rest hold distilled water, so you get the recommended three good rinses after disinfection. Sweet! And, next time you're sending supplies to the Third World as part of a large-scale relief effort, throw in some Klenz-Worx kits for general medical use by the people down there. They'll certainly be appreciated!

SheepTool - Remote Group Decision Interface (idea #137)
Coming to a decision as a group is like moving together as a flock of sheep, a sophisticated dance of body language; repeatedly-vocalized concerns; small, tentative steps; and an eventual, shared understanding about where the group has decided to go. The collective mind takes time to come to its decision as each sheep weighs its own preference, preference-strength, and standing against those of each other sheep in the group. Through the process, each individual sheep also monitors the dynamic of the discussion as it unfolds, and gauges its accuracy against evidence it sees from the outside world, drawing upon its personal model of the way the world works: "I swear, I saw a wolf in that direction and Betsy saw it too-- right, Betsy? Since wolves tend to come from one direction, I feel very strongly that we should move the other way."

This tried-and-true decision-making formula works brilliantly across many species, with or without language, allowing the group to think more carefully and deeply than any one individual would alone. Humans often do it in conference rooms, where everyone can see each other, physically place where they are relative to everyone else, and discern how people are reacting to one another. But what if the workgroup is all in different places? Videoconferencing may be a nice idea, but it removes the biologically-hardwired metaphor of shared space and group direction that underlies all successful consensus-building. Simply seeing faces onscreen is no help when you're missing the subtle, direction-based adjustments in people's posture, attention, and breathing that follow along with trajectory of the discourse, clueing everyone in to which direction people are leaning, whose arguments are holding sway, and who is losing ground.

SheepTool offers a better, more natural alternative to videoconferencing. At meeting time, everyone logs onto a shared virtual workspace and opens up a communal audio connection, the Bleatspace. At the same time, a round field is shown onscreen, and clustered in the middle are icons that represent each participant, consisting of nothing more than a circle with a name label, and two dots representing a pair of eyes. The matter currently under consideration is listed at the top, and different possible outcome decisions, defined in advance, are arrayed around the edges of the field, whether it's something as simple as Yes on the left and No on the right, or a longer list of possibilities-- industries, companies, individuals, budgets, calendar slots, proposals, etc. Initially, the simplified Sheepicons are arranged in org-chart order, with higher-ranking participants in the middle of the DecisionFlock cluster, and more junior members occupying the outskirts.

At the sound of the starting bell, participants begin the gradual process of bringing the DecisionFlock group to the edge of the virtual field, where the flock's position will correspond to one of the possible decision outcomes. In doing this, each participant has two tools at their disposal: their voices, carried and heard by everyone over the Bleatspace, and their pointing devices, which can nudge their associated Sheepicon bodies and eyes in any chosen direction. The Sheepicons are programmed to stick together, which automatically lessens the influence of any one participant's strong movements. Meanwhile, each Sheepicon's body movement exerts a force that nudges and draws neighboring Sheepicons along in their direction, with more power logically held by the icons located in the center of the flock.

Throughout the process, low-level random noise is generated in order to make the Sheepicon bodies wiggle slightly in all directions. The purpose of this is to loosen the connection somewhat between a users input and their icon's movement, thereby providing a certain level of anonymity and deniability regarding being swayed by the arguments and movements of others.

Primary Juice (idea #136)
Simple shapes and primary colors are good for young children because they constitute the building blocks of visual perception. Yet, tragically, some unthinking parents pack their kids' lunches with profit-maximizing fruit juice blends, robbing them of their ability to distinguish individual flavors beyond simply recognizing the muddy slurry coming up their straw as "juice." Primary Juice rejects this crippling of our childrens' developing tastes with a line of pure, elemental fruit juices such as apple, cranberry, tangerine, and quince. Sweetening and dilution, where required (as with cranberry) are given by refined fructose and branch water, neutral ingredients that don't detract from the original fruit. Dishonest, flavor-marring sweetening agents like grape juice concentrate, agave extract, and evaporated cane juice, need not apply! Older children can graduate to the Primary Juice Varietals line, which includes Pink Lady Apple, Cabernet Franc grape, and other wholesome juices pressed from single-variety fruit, each carefully selected to further refine your child's palate-- and by extension, his or her overall sophistication and future likelihood of success. Turn your Baby Einstein into a Toddler Brillat-Savarin!

Sportsposer (idea #133)
You're meeting some new people on a business trip, and you need to gain their trust, but you don't give a tinker's damn about sports? Sportsposer's Daily Regional Briefings will supply you with the knowledge you need to make a great impression. Each weekday, Sportsposer publishes short, simple reports, geared towards non-sports fans, which provide an overview of the current sports situation in any of one hundred regions in the U.S. and Canada. You'll get timely information carefully selected for its plausibility in light sports banter, drawn from recent games, standings, and trades-- as well as background basics that aren't spelled out on the Sports page, such as who the local teams are, what sports they play, what characterizes them, where they are in the current season, and who are the major figures. And it all fits on one page, guaranteed! Frequent travelers can get unlimited access to the Sportsposer Daily Regional Briefings online for a yearly fee, or you can buy them individually. With Sportsposer, you can make the locals think that you actually care about sports, or their team, or their stupid little city, or them, or whatever.

RoveMail (idea #130)
Insiders know the art of timing their emails and composing Cc: and Bcc: lists, but this simple set of choices is woefully incomplete. RoveMail solves the general problem by making email delivery scriptable and smart, with a detailed personal contacts database. Attach a "RoveScript" to any email message, and the mailer will selectively disclose any rumors or other insider information over time, "roving" about the complex terrain of knowledge, affiliation, and hierarchy.

For example, let's say you have a memo on the subject of "Chalabi" which you wish to reveal in the following way:

1. Immediately email it to Dick and Karen, allowing them to see the message's RoveScript.
2. Deliver it early tomorrow to all 100%-trustworthy senior staff at Halliburton and OSP, but not to Paul or anyone who has ties to the University of Chicago.
3. Finally, deliver it in one week's time to journalists who write for top-tier publications and cannot think for themselves, and Bcc: everyone at the Trilateral Commission.

(Send (Subject "Chalabi")
  (Date (NOW (To Dick Karen) :show-script YES)
    (02Apr2004 07:30EST (To (Recipients R where
      (AND (= :trust-level 1.0) (= :level "senior") (= :affiliation (OR "Halliburton" "OSP"))
        (NOT (OR Paul (includes :ties "U of C")))))))
    ((+ NOW 7d) (To (Recipients R where
      (AND (= :job "journalist") (= (status :affiliation) 1) (> :sheep-level 0.8)))
      (Bcc (Recipients R where (= :affiliation "Trilateral Commission"))))))

The recursive nature of the RoveScript language allows you to attach counterfeit headers and RoveScripts, when necessary. You may also include formulas, for example to send a message to recipients one-by-one, spaced apart at intervals and ordered based on quantifiable personal characteristics such as age or income.

Future releases of RoveMail will support voicemail and text messaging in addition to email. Later, a GUI will eliminate the need to write most scripts, and RoveScripts will be applicable to incoming messages as well as outgoing -- for example, "If I get a message from Paul over the next two hours, forward it immediately to my Blackberry; after that, route it to my Recent-Assassinations folder."

Mirror-Time (idea #127)
You're ready to head out to the evening's event, but your spouse is stuck preening in front of the mirror again, making you late, as usual. Establish control with Mirror-Time, the mirror that shuts off when it's time for you to leave. You set the installable dressing-room mirror just like you set an alarm. Then, five minutes before the appointed moment, the inner LCD layer starts flashing opaque black, disabling the mirror intermittently as a warning sign. When the time's up, the mirror goes completely black, rendering it unusable-- and you can only restore its reflectivity by entering a secret code.

Chateau Chien Taureau (idea #120)
Many people don't realize that Fresno State University produces some really good wines out of its Viticulture and Enology department. But unfortunately, the "Fresno State Winery" appellation is a turn-off for more closed-minded varietal consumers. Enter Chateau Chien Taureau, Fresno State's new, upscale wine label. They're some of the exact same award-winning wines that are bottled under the Fresno State label-- specifically, their Cabernet, Syrah, Barbera, Muscat, and Orange Muscat (and not their Tailgate Red). But they cost a few dollars more and have a fancier-sounding name, in order to appeal to the insecure wine buyer. It's that simple, and everyone wins: Certain consumers get a whole new set of wines that they can accept and enjoy, and Fresno State University gets another source of income-- which they desperately need these days, just like all public educational institutions in California.

Warhol's Empire on DVD (Flat-panel TV Decor) (idea #115)
You've wall-mounted one of those nice, big, flat LCD or plasma television screens. But what does it do when you're not watching? You can just let it sit blank, play a cheesy fireplace or aquarium video, show some distracting eyecandy. . . or you can display a true landmark of modern art: Andy Warhol's Empire. This 8-plus hour experimental film consists of a motionless shot of the Empire State Building, filmed in 16mm from the 44th floor of the Time-Life building back in 1964 -- perfect for adding that quietly artsy touch to your living room, or even making it look like you have a window that faces midtown Manhattan in a time warp. Despite the film's epic length, Empire compresses easily onto a single DVD because it's black-and-white, it has no sound, and most significantly, it has no movement other than slow changes in lighting and the occasional bird flying. Finally, a way to put this notorious film to good use!

FreewayWriter (idea #112)
A highway's wet-weather traction is improved by grooves in the concrete, now standard in road construction. These channels produce a hum that's audible in any vehicle that travels over them, and varying the grooves' direction, spacing, and depth changes the resulting sound's volume and frequency (see S. Meiarashi et al.). FreewayWriter takes advantage of this effect to make highways sing-- literally. The computer-controlled tining machine etches complex patterns into the pavement that not only improve highway safety, but also play music to motorists-- even in stereo, when the left and right sides of the lane are etched differently. It's a great way to reduce deadly "highway hypnosis" on long, remote stretches of road, or even to deliver commercial messages. You're exhausted, you're still hours from your destination, and suddenly the road sounds like Rhapsody in Blue; that's when you think, "next time, I'm taking United Airlines."

IceWriter (idea #111)
New from the Zamboni Company, IceWriter is an ice-resurfacing vehicle that "prints" semi-permanent color images of any size as it traverses the ice. The robotic vehicle sweeps over the image area line-by-line, while a hot metal print-head underneath melts holes in the ice, one for each pixel. The vehicle then sucks up the water, mixes it with vivid, biodegradable dyes, and re-deposits it into the hole, where it soon re-freezes. The resulting long-lasting color pictures turn rinks or frozen lakes into colorful billboards visible from far away-- even from airplanes!

Astrological Wall Orrery (and Wrist Orrery) (idea #110)
AstroWin, Delphi, and other astrology apps are great for drawing up and analyzing charts for past and future events, but what if you just want to check where the planets are now, without having to consult a computer or handheld? The Astrological Wall Orrery is an attractive and affordable quartz-movement wall clock that doesn't just show the time-- it also displays the current zodiac positions of all the planets, giving you a complete, anytime read on your current astro status. Unlike traditional mechanical orreries, it isn't this ridiculously huge and expensive thing you'd only expect to find in a museum. But it does make a strong decorative statement that's in tune with the universe. For planetary guidance anywhere, strap on the Wrist Orrery, which captures all that great solar-system action in a snazzy-looking wristwatch. Hey babe, would you like to know what's rising right now?

Bensfi Designs (Blog-Enabled No-Sweat Fashions from India) (idea #104)
Enlightened consumers will gladly pay more to have a personal connection to the products they buy, which is gravy for local artisans and farmers' markets, but what about importers? Bensfi Designs (Blog-Enabled No-Sweat Fashions from India) has the answer: Publish the company's org chart online, and give every employee their own blog, which they can update on company time, uncensored, every week. Next time you're out wearing one of the Mumbai-based company's stunning vegetable-dyed Kalamkari or Ikat full-sleeve tops, you can share the lives the seamstresses who made it -- their workdays, their hopes for their families and communities, and any messages they have for the people who wear their clothing in other parts of the world. These online accounts provide more than just a feeling of connection; they also guarantee that the manufacturer's employees are not being exploited, more convincingly than any "No Sweat" logo or other institutional certification. And if you ever travel to Mumbai/Bombay, you can schedule a tour of the Bensfi factory and say hello to some of the team members in person. Wear your Bensfi design, and you'll get in free of charge-- just like all the leftie journalists visiting to cover the company's inspiring success.

Malcolm Gladwell's Project X (idea #102)
Japan's hit television series Project X documents key industrial innovations, one per weekly episode, with topics ranging from the development of the VHS standard to the development of the electric rice-cooker. Featuring frequent interviews with retirees, the detail-rich and optimistic program has inspired a large, devoted following, while spawning companion books, comics, and DVD's. Malcolm Gladwell's Project X translates this successful formula to U.S. audiences, focusing on American innovations. The appealing young New Yorker writer Malcolm Gladwell hosts the program, further guaranteeing its embrace by the PBS-NPR complex (which seldom backs properties that don't have a highbrow name attached).

Matching Pipe and Cat-Toy Set (idea #101)
Much of the younger generation's best glassblowing and glass-sculpture talent has gone into medicinal herb paraphernalia -- witness the beautiful work coming from Seattle's influential Glassworks Park. Meanwhile, companies like MetPet.com have been raising cat-toy aesthetic standards with handsome interactive rod toys such as SpidersFluff and Comet-on-a-String. The handcrafted Matching Pipe and Cat-Toy Set combines these synergistic tools into one piece of functional art, a colorful tabletop set that holds a variety of rod toys alongside either a conventional pipe, a water-pipe, or an herbal vaporizer. On a cold winter's night, there's no more elegant way to present the evening's entertainment!

GunNut Magazine (idea #94)
A whole generation of video-gamers is coming into legal gun-buying age, and some are realizing that blasting inanimate objects with big guns is just as thrilling in real life as it is in DOOM. But they don't share the cold-dead-fingers paranoia or Bambi-shooting sensibilities of traditional gun enthusiasts. Enter GunNut magazine, tagline: "Shooting Is Fun." Each month, GunNut covers all forms of recreational shooting (except for hunting), emphasizing target practice with real firearms, but also discussing First-Person Shooter videogames, paintball, homemade siege weapons, archery, and other projectile-centered recreations. All topics are presented with a lively, young, video-game sensibility -- think PC Gamer meets Guns and Ammo meets Maxim. The magazine will attract a whole new audience of trigger-happy gamers to the world of gun ownership, inviting lots of advertising revenue. Meanwhile, gun traditionalists will resent the publication's playful, irreverent attitude, and concerned parents will object to the way it blurs the distinction between virtual and real-life shooting, guaranteeing a rebel-cool "underground" status from both sides of the shocked-grownup spectrum.

See All Ideas